i don't know what i've been doing these past few months

i'm like

very tired and i feel like i'm gonna be sick

- r.e.

i'm sorry

there are just some things i simply cannot tell you

-r.e.

lol

i have been way too optimistic the past few days. i mean i wanna get better i just don't want to be optimistic and happy it's annoying and suffocating. manic phases are the worst. let me be mean

- r.e.

SCREAM - grimes ft aristophanes

藏在肺裡的尖叫

藏在骨頭和肌肉裡的

沒有爆破前 毋庸置疑的

都會揪緊成病

曾經 乾燥的 都被潑濕

膨脹後彈牙 多肉 黏膩多汁

一個女人徒手拔掉滿頭黑髮

在夢境的山稜線行走

思念聚集成蚊蟲

張開沒有焦點的瞳孔

就像….快 張開沒有欲望的大腿

我咬下去 你還是無動於衷嗎

明明可以叫出來的呀

沿著你的脊椎走

我的手指 戳出一個冰涼的湖

四處張望 無人看守

暴露狂脫掉風衣 淚流滿面地 跳進去

計劃把你高潮的尖叫聲錄起 來

卻發現剛剛按錯了鍵

一去不復返 無能重複那時刻

你躺著

和逐漸冰冷的液體 撕扯著

黏膩 透明 在我的手心開出具有彈性的花

我覺得不夠 想從你身體裡擠出更多

就在這個時候電話響起

窗外的鹿群 飛奔離去 同時

急遽消退 藍色的風 抹去世界邊緣的泡沫

從你半開的雙眼繞過

接起電話 靜默降臨

剛醒來的情慾 在電話裡喘氣 尖叫

我邊聽 邊把你的汗一滴滴舔掉

不能吼出來 那就吞下去

everything is so surreal i feel wrong
i don't really feel like anything is right, right now, and i really hate myself.

r.e.

R.I.P.

ngl having a blog is pretty cringey but whatever no one's gonna expect that i'd actually have a blogspot bc it's so cringey but whatever

anyway i've been thinking about Him more often. if i havent talked about him on here yet well then good but anyway it's bad and i hate and i feel guilty. still like him though, which sucks.

how to turn anxiety into anger

step 1: bottle up your emotions
step 2: internalize the comments of other's
step 3: don't stop thinking about it. do not stop.
step 4: fear.
step 5: the anger is just underneath the surface, not boiling or bubbling, it is there, it is patiently waiting, and it will not stop. it will explode with the fury of a thousand suns and destroy everything in it's path. it is not a crimson red, it is a burgundy, it is deep and rooted inside of you and it will never leave you.
step 6: hate

i hate you

i hate people who get too close to me
i hate people who think they know me
i hate people who act like they are experts on me

i don't want to hate them
but i do

and i don't think i'd have it any other way

i hate my mother, but she deserves to be hated
i'm slowly starting to hate my friend, and i don't want to hate this friend, but i am and i'm trying to stop, but i can't

all my friends are dead

all my friends actually aren't dead but some of them sort of seem like it.

i didn't really mean touch and i don't really know how it happened. it may be because they are all friends with my ex, and we were all good friends, but i broke up with them (can't use specific pronouns sorry) and they probably took their side.

but it sort of makes me feel weird. i still want to be friends with them but i don't. and they probably don't want to be friends with me.

but i guess it's still partially my fault? i basically disappeared off the face off the earth for all they know. i deleted all my social media accounts that they're associated with or i just stopped using them. (except for one of them. i still use one of them and my ex still follows me on that one. i guess i just didn't want to delete it.)

i just wish i hadn't lost touch with them (being the friends)

tRuTh

(i hate it when people have crushes on me)

(this is too much attention)

(too much care)

(too much...affection)

(i only like it when its from someone that i desperately want attention from)

(and i dont want to hurt you)

(but i hate it when people have crushes on me)

please send help

a little while ago i told me friend (who i'm really close to) that if we don't get married by 45 we're gonna get married to each and they're super excited about it!! like really excited and i feel bad because i know that they like but they don't know that i know they like me and

it just sort of feels really weird every time they mention it because i just get really uncomfortable

i can't ever see myself in a position where i feel romantically attracted to this person and my first reaction to getting all this affection (i don't like saying that word) and attention is to completely shut them off and i can't do that!! i literally cannot do that this person will get super upset and probably start spiralling i can't let that happen man no way josé