R.I.P.

ngl having a blog is pretty cringey but whatever no one's gonna expect that i'd actually have a blogspot bc it's so cringey but whatever

anyway i've been thinking about Him more often. if i havent talked about him on here yet well then good but anyway it's bad and i hate and i feel guilty. still like him though, which sucks.

how to turn anxiety into anger

step 1: bottle up your emotions
step 2: internalize the comments of other's
step 3: don't stop thinking about it. do not stop.
step 4: fear.
step 5: the anger is just underneath the surface, not boiling or bubbling, it is there, it is patiently waiting, and it will not stop. it will explode with the fury of a thousand suns and destroy everything in it's path. it is not a crimson red, it is a burgundy, it is deep and rooted inside of you and it will never leave you.
step 6: hate

i hate you

i hate people who get too close to me
i hate people who think they know me
i hate people who act like they are experts on me

i don't want to hate them
but i do

and i don't think i'd have it any other way

i hate my mother, but she deserves to be hated
i'm slowly starting to hate my friend, and i don't want to hate this friend, but i am and i'm trying to stop, but i can't

all my friends are dead

all my friends actually aren't dead but some of them sort of seem like it.

i didn't really mean touch and i don't really know how it happened. it may be because they are all friends with my ex, and we were all good friends, but i broke up with them (can't use specific pronouns sorry) and they probably took their side.

but it sort of makes me feel weird. i still want to be friends with them but i don't. and they probably don't want to be friends with me.

but i guess it's still partially my fault? i basically disappeared off the face off the earth for all they know. i deleted all my social media accounts that they're associated with or i just stopped using them. (except for one of them. i still use one of them and my ex still follows me on that one. i guess i just didn't want to delete it.)

i just wish i hadn't lost touch with them (being the friends)

tRuTh

(i hate it when people have crushes on me)

(this is too much attention)

(too much care)

(too much...affection)

(i only like it when its from someone that i desperately want attention from)

(and i dont want to hurt you)

(but i hate it when people have crushes on me)

please send help

a little while ago i told me friend (who i'm really close to) that if we don't get married by 45 we're gonna get married to each and they're super excited about it!! like really excited and i feel bad because i know that they like but they don't know that i know they like me and

it just sort of feels really weird every time they mention it because i just get really uncomfortable

i can't ever see myself in a position where i feel romantically attracted to this person and my first reaction to getting all this affection (i don't like saying that word) and attention is to completely shut them off and i can't do that!! i literally cannot do that this person will get super upset and probably start spiralling i can't let that happen man no way josé